Hiy you. Aye, you! Are you alone?
Do you sit waitin’ by the phone?
Huv aw yir dreams eh birds an’ bees
Burnt tae a cinder?
Well whit yi dain, ya styoopit boy,
Yi heard eh Tinder?
It’s lik sunshine fur the soul,
If settlin’ doon’s no quite yir goal,
An’ aw yi huv ti dae is swipe
Until yi fin’ her:
A durty lassie seekin’ fun;
Yir iy a winner.
She’s eager lik yiv never seen,
Noo wait until she kens yir keen;
Within a bit you’ll match up
An’ you’ll know jist when
Tae hit her wi a “Whit’s up?”
Or an “Awryt hen?”
She’ll reply: “Am gid, how’s you?”
She’ll be polite but see it through;
Her profile said: “Nae strings attached”;
She’s free an’ flirty.
Soon you’ll be in the Aldi car park
Wae this durty.
It’s time tae act, turn up the heat,
An’ ask her when she’s free tae meet,
Perhaps she’ll pit her dinner doon
An’ come the noo;
Right tae yir door, claes oan the floor –
Her wee pal too.
The poassibilites are great,
Wi Tinder thir’s nae need tae wait,
Yi’ll wunner how yi ever goat aloang
Afore it.
Git aw the lassies in yir drawers –
Yi’ll jist adore it.
It’s fun fur aw (you an’ yir maw!)
Nae need ti leave yir hoose at aw;
Wi Tinder yir the King eh instant
Satisfaction.
It’s jist the ticket when yir wahntin’
Fast attraction.
Yet, smashin’ as it aw appears,
Yir Tinder fun may end in tears,
If boastin’ eh yir prowess turns
Yir wee hert cauld
An’ naught but hawf oor love affairs
Sterts gettin’ auld.
Awch, whit ‘ma sayin’?
Yir jist a man;
Yiv years an’ years tae fin’ ‘the wan’!
Cast caution tae the wind aloang wi
Inhibition.
Swipe till yiv hud the whole toon roon’
If that’s yir mission.
About the Author
For as long as she can remember, Lorna Wallace has loved to write. In 2014 she began her WordPress blog with ‘Tae A Selfie’, a poem inspired by Robert Burns’ ‘Tae A Haggis’. The poem went viral across social media and since then she has written poetry in broad Scots as well as in standard English. In 2016 she also won first prize in a New Zealand competition for her poem about Donald Trump, ‘A Scot’s Lament Fur Her American Fellows’, from which a few verses even made it onto the posters of anti-Trump protesters in England.
Off the Record 